Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous’.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

source from: vickysjokes

source from: ahajokes

“This case is turning into one of those Russian dolls that you just keep finding more dolls inside,” says Marshall Perkins, a Milwaukee Police Department detective. “It’s not just Wisconsin and Germany. Apparently Dahmer really got around.”

State Department officials visiting Vietnam in quest of information concerning American MIAs confirm that Vietnamese authorities suspect Dahmer may be the key to the whereabouts of dozens of missing servicemen. “Yes, of course we had American prisoners in the 1970s,” said Nguyen Gap, mayor of the provincial town of Dong Hoi in northern Vietnam. “Then, about 1980, an American with special papers came through, and we never saw the prisoners again.” But farmers outside Dong Hoi reported discovering human body parts in rice fields during the months that followed. Army officials in Washington would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Dahmer left Germany for Southeast Asia on special assignment during his military service eleven years ago.

Cattle ranchers in Montana believe Dahmer may be the missing piece to the bizarre jigsaw puzzle of livestock deaths that splashed across tabloid newspapers in the early 1980s, when a number of steers were discovered dead on the range, their throats slit and their bodies often mutilated. While ranchers blamed everything from Satanists to space aliens, Milwaukee sources confirm that Dahmer has admitted to murdering the steers during two summers he spent working as a janitor in Yellowstone National Park. “He’d go off on the weekends in his pickup and look for strays,” said an informant from the District Attorney’s office. “He’d lure them with alfalfa, hit them with a tranquilizer dart, and cut their throat with a Bowie knife.”

Two co-workers at the Old Faithful Inn yesterday recalled finding several bloody, hastily wrapped beef hearts in one of the kitchen refrigerators there. “Dahmer told us he’d made a run to a butcher shop down in Jackson, but we always kind of wondered,” said Harry Strassen, 34. “Now we know.”

Milwaukee officials have installed a special phone line to handle dozens of inquiries pouring into City Hall from all over the globe. “It’s unbelievable. Voodoo killings in Haiti, necklacings in South Africa, crop circles in England,” says Patti Sherlock, 23, administrative assistant at City Hall. “If there were a Nobel Prize for mass murder this guy would get it.”

“Actually,” she mused, “I can kind of sleep easier now, knowing that so much of all these scary things goes back to one guy. And he’s locked up. I hope they throw away the key.”

source from: asianjoke

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”

“Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

(Thanks Jessica)