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How many men does it take to open a beer?

admin — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 13:29:07 +0000

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Source:jokes2go.com

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Men vs. Women

admin — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 13:28:28 +0000

Men and women are not alike.

 Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have conculsive
 proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
 topics, these facts have emerged:

 RELATIONSHIPS:

 First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
 it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
 girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then
 she will get on with her life.

 A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the breakup
 - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
 you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
 I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know there's
 always a chance for us."  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
 drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There
 are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
 need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

 SEX:

 Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
 Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her
 place as part of the foreplay.

 MATURITY:

 Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
 function as adults.

 Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
 other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely
 work out.

 HATS:

 Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

 HANDWRITING:

 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
 chicken-scratch.

 Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
 circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
 and "g's."  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when
 she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

 BATHROOMS:

 A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
 shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

 The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
 would not be able to identify most of these items.

 MAGAZINES:

 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

 Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because
 the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
 and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

 GOING OUT:

 When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

 When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
 to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
 her makeup...

 LEG WARMERS:

 Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
 the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time
 she wants.

 A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
 Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

 CATS:

 Women love cats.
 Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 MIRRORS:

 Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

 Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
 surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

 GARAGES:

 Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

 Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages,
 they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

 MOVIES:

 For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
 Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

 For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
 in "Public Enemy."

 JEWELRY:

 Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

 A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than
 that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

 MENOPAUSE:

 When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
 emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree
 of the changes varies with the individual.

 Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction.  He buys aviator glasses,
 a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
 expensive foreign sports car.

 LOW BLOWS:

 Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
 and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

 The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

 The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

 ADMITTING MISTAKES:

 Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

 The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

 RICHARD GERE:

 Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

 Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
 works out at the health club and dates only married women.

 NUDITY IN MOVIES:

 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This
 is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

 The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
 This is another reason why men hate him.

 DAVID LETTERMAN:

 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

 Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

 LOCKER ROOMS:

 In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
 women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
 well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

 Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex.  Not in abstract
 terms, either.  They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

 LAUNDRY:

 Women do laundry every couple of days.

 A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
 surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
 his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
 sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
 the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

 WEDDINGS:

 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

 Men talk about "the bachelor party."

 SOCKS:

 Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.

 Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have
 pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

 PLANTS:

 A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
 The man will water the plants.
 The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
 No one knows why this happens.

 MUSTACHES:

 Some men look good with mustaches:  Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

 There are no women who look good with mustaches.

 NICKNAMES:

 With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
 like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
 will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

 But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Source:jokes2go.com

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Seminars for Men

admin — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 13:27:40 +0000

COURSE 001      Combating Stupidity
                            COURSE 002      You Too Can Do Housework
                    COURSE 003      PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
                             COURSE 004      How To Fill An Ice Tray
                 COURSE 005      We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

          COURSE 006      Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
          COURSE 007      Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
                   COURSE 008      Parenting:  It Doesn't End With Conception
                           COURSE 009      Get A Life:  Learn To Cook
           COURSE 010      How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong

                         COURSE 011      Understanding Your Incompetence
                              COURSE 012      YOU:  The Weaker Sex
                             COURSE 013      Reasons To Give Flowers
                           COURSE 014      How To Stay Awake After Sex
           COURSE 015      SEX 101:  You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

            COURSE 016      SEX 102:  Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
                         COURSE 017      How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
                 COURSE 018      The Remote Control:  Overcoming Your Dependency
                    COURSE 019      How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
                       COURSE 020      You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

           COURSE 021      Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
             COURSE 022      The Obtainable Goal:  Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
               COURSE 023      Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
                            COURSE 024      Patronizing Does Not Work
                    COURSE 025      Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On

                           Course 026      Real Men Ask For Directions

                                                         FOR COUNSELING
                                                                CALL
                                                         1-CHA-UVI-NIST

Source:jokes2go.com

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Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you.

admin — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 13:26:49 +0000

THIS MEANS:

1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness
   to fake.
10. He is feeling others.

   by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick Gass
JenSch@aol.com
Source:jokes2go.com

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Some people are sitting in a bar…

admin — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 13:25:57 +0000

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My
name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a
WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Source:jokes2go.com

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How many does it take?

admin — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 13:25:08 +0000

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
   are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
   friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
   device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
   supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
   eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
   to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
   miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
   for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
   really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
   you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
   you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
   male's trachea!  I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
   run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

   (1) He is legally within the basepath,
   (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
   (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
       cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
   cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
   Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
   football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
   blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
   longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
   She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
   believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
   don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
   honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
   commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
   seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
   to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
   sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
   opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you
   tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
   and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
   stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
   get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her
   is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
   so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
   your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
   has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
   the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
   but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
   underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
   have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
    fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
    before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
   finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.

Source:jokes2go.com

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How many does it take?

admin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:29:48 +0000

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this
gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next
to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back
to his place for a “good time.”

“Look,” says the woman, “what do you think I am? I don’t turn
into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!”

“OK,” replies Joe, “so how many does it take?”

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The only wish

admin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:28:23 +0000

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and
grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface.
After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and
water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst
and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in
the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an
oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF” out popped a tired old
genie who said “ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda,
yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long
time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE
wish and then I’m OUTTA here. Make it a good one”. The first guy,
without hesitation or thought blurted out, “Give us all the beer we
can drink for the rest of our lives!!!” “Fine” said the genie, and he
instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.
“Great move Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy
in the head. “NOW we’re gonna have to piss in the BOAT!”

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One of two reasons

admin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:26:36 +0000

I’ve noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:

They have no wife to go home to…
or they do.

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Say anything

admin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:25:20 +0000

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that
as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the
house.

Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

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