I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said “Hi Jack.”

He shot me.

source form: ahajokes

The most dangerous organization in America today is:

a) The KKK

b) The American Nazi Party

c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club

source form: ahajokes

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age… And isn’t breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, “Did I wake you?”

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with “Because I said so!”

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone

source from: vickysjokes

source from: khoa-lhl

little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
A little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.
- “ You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “ Are you sure he’s out there?”
- “Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere. And he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called.
“ Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

source from:  khoa-lhlviolet

At a restaurant, a guest said angrily:

source from:  khoa-lhlviolet

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

source from:  khoa-lhlviolet

Osin nói với bà chủ: “Nếu bà không tin tôi thì thôi, bà hãy để cho tôi đi”

- Nhưng tôi rất tin cô. Tôi còn giao cả chìa khóa hòm đựng đồ trang sức cho cô giữ cơ mà.

- Vâng thưa bà. Nhưng mà cái chìa khoá ấy không thể mở được hòm.

- !!!!!!

source from: vnexpress

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”