1. your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
2. you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
3. your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
4. you want an 48X CDROM for Christmas
5. Dilbert is your hero
6. you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife”
7. you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
8. the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
9. you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
10. your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

You Might Be a Goth If…

1. the Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child
2. the shade of powder you wear is called “Sheet Of Paper”
3. you and your boyfriend fight over who gets to wear the fangs
4. you and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards
5. you are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band
6. you argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic outlook on life
7. you buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose
8. you can’t decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier,
9. you fashion your eyeliner after a culture that’s been dead over 2000
10. you go to Denny’s at 5 in the morning and think, “These are my people”
11. you have seen “Nightmare before Christmas” more than seven times
12. you like to play dead in public
13. you own 16 or more Cleopatra c.d.’s
14. you own even 1 Projekt c.d.
15. you pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit
16. you refer to others as “The Normals”
17. you refer to your age in mortal years
18. you spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre
19. you think dead flowers are prettier than live ones
20. you think of the hearse as a “family car”
21. you wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black
22. you wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer
23. you were disappointed to find out that “American Gothic” is a portrait
24. your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don’t stick out the way
25. your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child
26. your purse is large, square and metal
27. you’ve willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If…

1. your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
2. you have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
3. your firehouse has wheels.
4. you’ve ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
5. Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin’ drunk.
6. you’ve ever let a person’s house burn down because they wouldn’t let you hunt on their ground.
7. at least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it’s January.
8. your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
9. you don’t own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
10. you’ve ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
11. your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
12. your department’s name is misspelled on the equipment.
13. your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
14. dispatch can’t mention your name without laughing.
15. the local news crew won’t put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
16. your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
17. you’ve ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
18. your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
19. your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
20. the only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

source from: vickysjokes

source from: asianjoke

He asks, “And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?” Mr. Lim replies, “I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!”

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers. The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Lim, I’m a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…”

At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, “Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!”

source from: asianjoke

“Excuse me, but do you happen to have an extra set of keys for my new car? I   seem to have locked mine in.”

“Yeah, sure. Where are you?”

“Corner of Main and King.”

“Okay. I’ll be over in about half an hour.”

“No, no! You have to come over right now!”

“Why?”

“‘Cause I left the roof down and it’s starting to rain!!”

source from: asianjoke

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

“Passionate kiss like spider’s web – soon lead to undoing of
fly.”

“Virginity like bubble. One prick – all gone!”

“Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright
organ.”

“Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.”

“Man with one chopstick go hungry.”

“Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.”

“Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.”

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!”

“Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.”

“Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!”

“War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.”

“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.”

“Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.”

“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!”

“If you park, don’t drink, accidents cause people.”

“It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”

“Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”

“Man who sit on tack get point!”

“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!”

“Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.”

“Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in
hand.”

“People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.”

A tourist from China was traveling to New York City for a two
week vacation. He went to the bank as soon as he arrived in
order to exchange his Chinese money for American money. He gave
the teller 1000 yuan, and the teller in turn gave him 150
dollars.

A week went by, and the tourist had used up his money, so he
returned to the bank. He gave the teller another 1000 yuan, but
this time the teller only gave him 125 dollars. Seeing the
difference, the man angrily asked the teller in his broken
English why last week he received 150 dollars for the same
amount of money. The teller replied, “Fluctuations.”

Flustered, the tourist responded, “Well fluck choo crazy
Americans too!”

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel
when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel
and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel’s butt, just then a
guy comes over and says, “What are you doing?”

Osama replies, “About 2 miles back I heard someone say, ‘Hey,
look at the two assholes on that camel.”

Ảnh: istockphoto.com.

Toán cướp bất ngờ đột nhập vào ngân hàng trong ngày đầu năm. Một số mở két lấy tiền, một số tên bắt khách hàng. Hai kế toán đang làm việc tại quầy phải úp mặt vào tường.

Bọn cướp lục lọi, lấy hết ví, lấy đồng hồ và những thứ có giá trị khác của mọi người. Khi mọi việc đang xảy ra thì chợt người kế toán thứ nhất dúi cái gì đó vào tay của người kia.

Vì không được nhúc nhích, người kế toán thứ hai thì thầm hỏi: “Nè, cái gì đấy?”

Người kế toán thứ nhất đáp: “Tớ trả cậu 50 đôla tiền nợ nhé”.

source:vnexpress.net