The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!”

“About two hours,” says the conductor.

“Okay,” says the drunkard, “then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?”

The irate conductor says to the drunk “It’s still about two hours, laddie. Why’d ya think there’d be a difference?”

“Well,” says the drunk, “it’s only a week between Christmas and New Year’s, but it’s a helluva long time between New Year’s and Christmas!

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!”

“What are you doing?” asked the American.

“Oh, I’m selling skulls”, replied the Irishman.

“And what skulls do you have?” said Bud.

“Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!” said the Irishman.

“That’s great!” said Bud. “Give me some names!”

“Well!” said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. “That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that’s Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland…God bless his soul..”

“Sorry” said Bud, “But did you say St. Patrick?”

“That’s correct!” said the Irishman.

“I have to have that!” said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.

Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.

“Goodness”, said Bud, “What are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m selling skulls”, replied the Irishman.

“And what skulls do you have today?” said Bud.

“Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!” said the Irishman.

“That’s great!” said Bud. “Give me some names!”

“Well!” said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. “That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that’s Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland…God bless his soul..”

“Sorry” said Bud, “But did you say St. Patrick?”

“That’s Correct!” said the Irishman.

“Well!”, said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick.”

“Oh yes!” said the Irishman, “I remember you now!…you see… This is St. Patrick when he was a Boy!!”

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”

source from: ahajokes

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”

The man on the phone responded, “This winter is going to be quite cold indeed.”

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes”, the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?

A: You have to hollow out the head.

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

Peekaboo Street (the US Olympian) apparently came into a lot of money
because of her Olympic performance this winter. Rather than spend it
on herself, she showed a lot of character by donating it to a local
hospital. The primary facility the hospital needed was a retrofit of
the Intensive Care Unit, so in her honor, the hospital board is going
to name the new unit, “Peekaboo, I.C.U.”

source from: vickysjokes

source from: khoa-lhl

source from: khoa-lhl

A wife was telling her “Football Referee” husband:
- Dear! There is an anniversary of death in my parents family. You’ll prepare to go there with me, won’t you?

Alas! I can’t go, because this afternoon I have to work as a referee for the Championship Cup Competition Football Match.

You’ll have to go alone!

- That’s unacceptable! It’s my Great Grandma. If you don’t come, my relatives will insult me. – So, when will the anniversary begin?

-At 5:00pm. – Alas! The match will finish at 5:15pm

- My God! What a strange man you are! Just tell the players you want them to quit playing a bit early.

You are the referee: Whatever ruling you make, the players have to obey.

source from:  khoa-lhlviolet

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?” The wife replies, “Cut it off and shove it up his arse!” The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, “It fucking hurts doesn’t it!”